Matters of the Mind: Bury the illusion. (excerpt from the Love Lust a...

Matters of the Mind: Bury the illusion. (excerpt from the Love Lust a...: Sometimes you have to make people dead in your head. This doesn't mean you wish mortal death upon them or that you harbor hatred or un...

Bury the illusion. (excerpt from the Love Lust and Redemption sequel)

Sometimes you have to make people dead in your head. This doesn't mean you wish mortal death upon them or that you harbor hatred or unforgiveness towards them. It simply means the person you thought they were either no longer exists or never existed. Oftentimes when people show us who they are instead of believing them and fleeing when it's not to our standard we stick around and try to fix them and or change them and this will always result in failure and loads of unnecessary frustration.during that time of "sticking around" we create a illusion in our mind that if we continue to treat them good they will eventually reciprocate and love you the way you love them. This false illusion will keep you trapped  and you stay longer than you should. Once you realize the person can't be fixed and probably doesn't want to be you then have to embrace that the person you thought they were never really existed. Therefore they are dead. Once the relationship or friendship becomes toxic and unhealthy you must let them go to retain your sanity. Deeming them dead in your head just relieves you of having any type of expectation or thought of entertaining them. When a thought of them enters your brain you simply whisper dead and carry on with your day. Place all feelings you had for them in the coffin and bury them with all the rest of the rubbish that came along with their existence in your life.


 

Friend or Foe?

Often times people enter our lives with  good intentions on being our friend. In the beginning the friendship is balanced and your equally behaving as friends behave. Once months and years go by the friendship encounters certain trials and tests such as any other relationship you enter into to. The only difference between tests and trials in a friendship compared to a marriage, a parental relationship or a relationship with your child is you’re not actually tied in any way to your friends. They are people that entered your life with an intention of gaining your trust as well as treating you in a manner in which feels good to your spirit. Therefore the loyalty  must be earned and not given.

 You will encounter many different types of friendships on your journey so you must be aware of the types of people you’re allowing into your circle and calling a friend. If you have a person that you consider a friend but they are only happy with you as long as everything is going smooth and everyone's happy with what's being said and being done. However the moment one person says or does something that’s not pleasing or in accordance to how the other person wants them to act the friendship then sufferers. These people are called "fair weather friends" they stick around for all the good that's comes with the friendship but the minute something doesn't go their way they are mad angry and not very friendly. When you recognize a person as being "fair weathered” be careful what you reveal to them and how much of your time you spend with them because these type of friendships don't normally work out in your favor. If you’re not constantly appeasing them they will eventually turn on you.

 The other type of friends you must be careful with are the "drama inciters" these are the friends that always keep trouble stirred up. In the beginning you may mistake it as they are loyal and protecting you. Anything that comes up that they think can be tied to your feelings and as a result will have you "In your feelings "they rush to tell you. Maybe they saw your ex out with another person and they snap a picture of them and send it to you or they rush to call you  just call to say "girl guess who I just saw?" In Reality does it really matter that you ex was out with another person? They are your ex for a reason which means it's none of your business or concern what they are doing. This my friend is not a real friend. Real friends never bring back information that is pointless and  has nothing to do with your current situation. The drama inciters are dangerous because they come off very strong and overly nice with the intention to lure you in and this sometimes can be mistaken for being a "good person". In most cases they suffer severely from low  self-esteem. They may outwardly carry themselves in a  confident manner but their insides are plagued with low self-esteem so they cling onto a confident person with high self-esteem in a dysfunctional way of trying to balance themselves out. When you run across these type of people you have to decipher whether or not they are a friend or just a fan. A friend sticks it out with you no matter what. If the two of you disagree about something you  will agree to disagree and the problem is resolved. If you currently  have people who are still  holding on to grudges harboring unforgiveness  and or attempting to hurt or slander your name in the process this person is a Foe not a friend. The foe is the one who cheers you on for your accomplishments but never participate in any of the celebration. Why? Because they are internally envious of you because you have accomplished something. Either they have accomplished nothing or they are not where they want to be in their lives so they are in capable of being happy for you. The fan will shout to the rooftop about how special you are to them but will turn on you when you don't behave in a manner that's satisfying to them. These type of people should be handled carefully and with a long handled spoon because their eagerness to cheer you on can be heavily mistaken for true genuine friendship. If you are a person that is constantly making positive changes and on the road to living a right life be careful who you connect to. The peacefulness of your journey is greatly determined by the people you connect with. Make sure you are connecting with true friends and not just mere fans. You will know the difference by the way they treat you when you’re up and their down as well as how they treat you when your elevation no longer allow time for you to give them the attention they crave to make themselves feel better. When your elevating to new higher levels in life always be aware that new levels being new devils and don't be surprised if the devil is securely wrapped up in someone you thought was a true friend. Now go evaluate your circle and determine who's a FRIEND and who's a FOE.

 

EMOTIONAL STABILITY

                                                 

When a house is being built it's the foundation that keeps it standing and sturdy .without a firm foundation the house will always be in danger of collapsing. Would you purposely move into a house that you know doesn't have a firm foundation and could collapse at any time? No so the same holds true for people that are emotionally unstable or emotionally unavailable. If you meet someone and they are needy, clingy, always demanding your full attention at all times and gets angry when you don't answer them right away or call them back right away and most important red flag is they can't be by themselves. These are all red flags that the person is emotionally unbalanced. This doesn't make them a bad person it just makes the emotionally unstable which will eventually either drive you crazy or the relationship will just break apart like the house without firm foundation.

Emotional stability should be at the top of your "nonnegotiable list" some things when it comes to relationships should be nonnegotiable meaning if they aren't emotionally stable you shouldn't waste your time with them. Emotionally instability causes a person to constantly seek validation from every one they come in contact with and sometimes depending on the severity of it they will stop at nothing to get the attention they are seeking and they will take it from whoever is willing to give it out. This is why it's very important that you evaluate people before allowing them to get too in tangled in your personal space. Sure they may be nice and they may have charming complimentary words that they speak but if they prove to be unstable emotionally they will eventually suck all the good energy right out of you. They are constantly calling you constantly needed you to tell them they look nice and constantly needing your praise for every little thing they do. Their life is not complete unless you’re paying them some attention.
Have you ever heard anyone say "I can't breathe without them"? What do you mean you can't breathe? You came into this world breathing without them. That's a classical statement made by unstable people. You’re a grown adult and you’re putting out to the universe that if you can't be with this one particular person you can't function and it's a billion other people in the world.  If that doesn't scream unstable what does? Oftentimes we see these type of red flags in our mates and we tend to ignore them because that person is doing something to fulfill a need .Never mind that eventually if gone untreated or not addressed this person can potentially be the cause of your downfall if they don't get a hold of their emotions. This does not only apply to romantic relationships it also applies to friendships as well. When entering any type of relationship make sure the person you’re in relationship with is capable of dealing with themselves when no one else is around. The constant neediness and draining will take you on an emotional roller coaster that may never stop. When faced with this type of person just ask yourself "would I move into a house whose foundation was not stable? You’re emotional stability plays a huge part in each and every relationship you enter into if you or someone you’re in close relationship with shows any of the traits listed encourage yourself or them to do a self-evaluation and see what's causing the imbalance so that you may use that information to build a bridge and get over it.

An emotionally healthy person makes a great friend/ mate.

Levels of Esteem

                                            

Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self.

Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself and how you feel about yourself sets the tone of how you conduct yourself in all of your relationships. There are three important levels of self-esteem. There is NO self-esteem, LOW self-esteem and then there’s where we all should strive to have HIGH self-esteem.

A person with no self-esteem deems themselves worthless to others unless they are doing something extreme to keep others attention fixated on them. No self-esteem means you don’t value yourself as a good person unless you’re satisfying someone else. You may be dealing with issues concerning your looks or your weight or maybe you were abused in some kind of way be it physical or verbally and that abuse made you feel unworthy. People that suffer from no self-esteem always have to go to the extreme in everything they do. If they are well off financially they go overboard with buying things. They flaunt their money to get attention and recognition and to make people like them. In a romantic relationship a man that’s an opportunist will cling to the woman with no self-esteem because he will always benefit from having her around. She will be so busy “BUYING HIM” or sexing him she won’t even realizing he’s using her for his own personal gain.

The next level of esteem is LOW self-esteem. This is not as bad as having no esteem. People with low esteem won’t go to the high extremes as no self- esteem however they still don’t hold themselves to a high regard. Low self-esteem makes you settle for much less than you deserve. People with low self-esteem fail to defend themselves in situations because they don’t think they deserve the very best. In relationships this can be problem because manipulative people can pick up very easily on those that have low and no self-esteem. They feed off this and take advantage of such people. Having low esteem is projecting to the world that you’re just gliding through life with no self-worth and that they can treat you any kind of way because you don’t recognize your own worth. The way you feel about yourself projects to others how they can treat you. If you talk bad about yourself why would anybody else talk good about you? You will never live to your full potential or get what your heart desires having no or low self-esteem. If any of this applies to you embrace that you’re in this situation and pay close attention to the next section for it will help you raise your esteem from no to high.

High self-esteem shows that you think of yourself in a high regard. You have pride in yourself and you believe you deserve nothing but the best. Living with high self-esteem allows you to weed out the people in your life that don’t have your best interest at heart. When you rise from low self-esteem to high self-esteem your level of tolerance will change significantly because you will go from being a people pleaser to YOU pleaser. You will only stay in situations where you’re being treated fairly. You will not accept any form of abuse because you love yourself enough to know that you deserve better. You’re confident in knowing you don’t give people things to make them like you. People will automatically like you because you like yourself. The journey of esteem is no easy one it’s so easy to overlook it and pretend that you love yourself but your actions will always show how you really feel about yourself. Getting in tune with yourself and owning up to your own flaws can be difficult. Once you begin to view yourself as a queen with high self-esteem and see how you begin to attract people that view you the same.

 

Love,Lust and Redemption book promo

Silence V.S. Words

Some people will enter your life and benefit from your words there are others that will enter your life  that will eventually only benefit from your silence. Those that are benefiting from your words are hearing as well as listening  to you and you will see it in their actions.

Those that will benefit from your silence are hearing you  but they are  not listening to  you and that too will show in their actions as well. know that  listening and hearing are two totally different things. When you hear  your acknowledging that someone is speaking however your brain is not retrieving any of the information leaving you oblivious to what they are trying to tell you. This will lead the speaker down a never ending trail of frustration and wasted words and energy. This person will only benefit from your silence. Refusing to communicate with them will either teach them to listen and not just hear or it will make them stay away.

When your listening to someone you acknowledge what they are saying and you are taking in the information in order to understand what the speaker is saying and react on it in a sensible manner. This person will benefit from your words therefore you should continue talking to them because you could be helping them in some sort of way.

 Know that silencing yourself to certain people does not mean they are a bad person it just means that you no longer wish to entertain them with words. Once you reach this plateau of your journey  to know your time and energy are precious and not to  be wasted on things and people that are undeserving then and only then will you will begin to increase your peace and lessen your frustration.